La Crescent, Minn. – The best place on earth, has been the latest target of a national group of drinkers protesting liquor prices, PAAPIM. This unfortunate event took place a few days ago on a quiet street in the midst of downtown La Crescent.
La Crescent is the 2nd best drinking town in the world, across the river from La Crosse, and known for its open-mindedness, not to mention its acceptance of gay marriage.
The town, or village, of La Crescent affords its residence peace of mind with the luxury of being able to get shit-faced drunk and only having a 3 mile drive back to their residence’s. Known for being the Apple Capital (of Minnesota) and home to the world renowned Applefest Parade, also less known for its meth problem. Citizens were unprepared for Wednesday’s tragic attacks, shaken out of their homes and offices by a loud crash.
La Crescent wasn’t celebrating Wednesday, when a 46 year old woman, and activist of the PAAPIM (people against alcohol prices in Minnesota), deliberately drove her mini-van through the sidewall of the store. “It was the craziest shit I had ever seen in my life!”, witness James Thomas stated, as he stood by after the crash waiting for the dust to clear so he could get a clean run at the free booze, for legal purposes his real name is being withheld.
“The van, was going at least 90 mph drove up the street, from the highway, and straight into the Apple Village Liquor store.”, one witness said.
Inside the suspects van police found a seriously injured monkey, some heavily used dildos, a Forbes Magazine, and a crudely hand written letter of instructions, which read: “Crush your ven in 2 the North Fase Of The Apple’s Villages Licker Stor.” The driver was hauled away in handcuffs kicking and screaming, one witness recalls, “The driver was yelling something about a Pappem.” (A word the witness had never heard before.) The witness had no idea what it meant, but he said the driver was very serious about letting everyone know about the word.
The PAAPIM group has orchestrated numerous attacks on liquor stores in Minnesota, this being the latest and most bold.
Most news coverage of the attacks are withholding the true details of events; with some media even proclaiming that, “…The driver must have thought the mural was actually the view from Apple Blossom drive, which the mural literally depicts (20 years before the orchards were replaced with a monoculture of expensive subpar plastic dwellings). Some media have even stated that her vehicle malfunctioned and she had to drive through the liquor store to avoid a more serious accident.
Those theories sound like good stories and all, but PAAPIM seems the most believable considering the price of liquor in Minnesota, and the poorly regulated state liquor sales laws (Minnesotans can’t even by a six pack on sunday).
These cover-up stories seem reasonable, the former is most credible because the mural is, or was, an exact painting of the view from North Ridge. Citizens aren’t buying it though. “We have some inkling of what’s going on, liquor prices in Minnesota suck.”, said Mike Hunt, a blue-collar La Crescent native.
However, the evidence is damning. The driver successfully took out a large portion of the liquor store, and has mentioned in the past that she dislikes the price of alcohol in Minnesota.
Not only did the driver destroy the store and copious amounts of alcohol, but she also gave free access to looters, most of which were mediocre hipsters from La Crosse, Wis. who hate to pay for booze and still live with their parents. The hipsters in that area have very little cred, but from the police reports they stole all of the PBR Tallboys and a large portion of the cheapest whisky they could possibly find. Descriptions have been released on the identities of the thieves, which were obtained via video cameras throughout the store. Also, evidence such as bandanas and dog droppings were seized the next morning, even a cog from a fixed gear bike was found in the street next to a bike whistle.
La Crescent, Minnesota is now reeling from this tragedy. No one could have suspected such a group would strike a liquor store in the heart of downtown La Crescent. Speculation is flying, and trendy alcohol bandits are being sought. PAAPIM is a serious organization with serious intentions. Their demands state that alcohol should drop in price at least $2.00 or other “events” will play out.
The driver is now in Houston County lock-up enjoying pizza and the cold cots. News media elsewhere will state otherwise. PAAPIM has the world’s attention, now what will Minnesota do about its alcohol prices?