This one goes out to the guy in the grey car across the street, who could not parallel park, my heart goes out to you. I have seen many people try and fail to parallel park but this was by far the most painful attempt I have even seen. It literally pained me to watch this fool try to parallel park. I couldn’t laugh, I couldn’t cry, and I couldn’t take my eyes off of this guy in his car. Firstly, I must admit I am an exceptional driver, I have been in two accidents, both being the fault of the other driver’s, I can parallel park in a 5 foot parking space in rush hour after drinking a half bottle of vodka while smoking a blunt and texting-the first try, so that is unacceptable by my standards. I drive a five-speed manual Ford Escort and I don’t fuck around, so watching this guy was really sad for me. I wanted to walk behind his car and wave him back into the spot safely, like your dad made you do while hooking up a trailer. It wasn’t painful so much because there were a bunch of beautiful woman standing around watching, or a woman was in the passenger seat, probably a first date situation, or because of the fact that this guy acted like it was everyone else’s fault but his own, it was solely because he had no clue what he was doing. He looked like he had never been in a car before, let alone parked ever. He was in the car alone, so the passengers were fine.
As my stepfather says, “Act like you know what you are doing and no one will ask any questions”, I do. I know everything you could throw at me and I don’t give a shit if I don’t because I will find out and do it to perfection. That is what I do. I fly planes I know what I am talking about, ask anyone, even better ask everyone.
Here is the situation: I pull into my parking lot, I am bumping Jay-z’s Blueprint album and thinking about running to my house with these armloads of groceries I have just purchased. I get out of my car, triple check the locks, cause I am nuts, and start walking.
I notice the storm drains on the building in my parking lot; they are busting out with water, dark in color and working hard to their capacity. The water is literally shooting out of the pipes, its fucking Noah’s Ark. I keep walking as I avoid the water.
I walk slowly down the hill towards 15th St.. This is where I get the first glimpse of this dipshit. Oh man! So, I turn a left on to fifteenth and as I do this I see this guy basically cut off a short bus full of students, he pounds on his steering wheel and appears to scream at himself, but most likely I would say at the kids riding in the short bus. I try to focus on the sidewalk. I look back as the short bus rolls by, slowly, this guy is livid I smile in awe. I smiled directly at him. Attempting to kill with kindness. I have to see this. He cut this bus off by stopping to look at a spot that a Mini Cooper couldn’t park in on a good, only to realize he sucks and won’t be able to make it, so next he drives ahead to this airplane landing strip of a parking spot, parallel only (I mean fucking huge!), and you honestly couldn’t fuck this up if you tried. Helen Keller could have made this park job happen. I was staring now, I couldn’t help it interest consumed me. He pulled probably 4 feet further ahead than he needed to be, cars go around him hands in the air (like what the fuck????). He probably should have given up here. He backs up and angles the car so much that his headlights are directly in line with me, I am standing across the street groceries in hand staring, I am literally straight across the street, if a crow were flying over me he would have had to of flown right over the car. He pops his back axel up on the curb, thank god school was still in otherwise he would have ran over about 10 first graders from the elementary school that resides behind this parking spot. He puts it in drive pulls back into the street messing up traffic again, attempts one more time and fails again, not as bad, but this is extremely embarrassing. I started walking again. I wanted to start crying. I try to forget about this guy, he has to have it on the third try. I mean three fucking times. I walk a block up and hear a tire squeal. I think the worst and turn to my right. This guy is sitting across the street in his car blocking traffic, he gave up on the first and second spot, he is trying for a third spot right in front of a pack of cars trying to get somewhere, there is no room for parking and this guy is an idiot. I look down ashamed that this guy is on the streets driving a car and proceed to walk home.
I pondered about writing about this incident, but I didn’t want to be harsh to all of the failure parallel parkers out there, then I thought that I could make some money off of it. Honestly, if you can’t drive don’t drive, if you can’t park don’t park keep driving. If you want to learn how to drive and park a car well, give me a call I will only charge you what it is worth to you. If you don’t trust me call the cops on yourself when you are driving drunk, get your license revoked, retake the driver’s test and bring safety back to the streets. Amateur drivers are like mediocre comedians they are funny for a bit, but after that you got to turn the channel and wonder how dangerous they really are. Let’s turn the channel on bad drivers. The next time you see someone parking like they have mental problems walk up to the window and let them know. If you had something on your face you would want someone to tell you, so it only makes sense. Let someone know. Make the walk, knock on the window, and let them know. Three easy steps. I am trying to.