I haven’t showered in two days. I have lost all hope of finding peace with school, girls, and time spent not working during the week. So I forgot about it and thought of myself. I work the weekend, every week now, which isn’t bad, necessarily, yet it has been a bit draining. I can’t complain about the cold anymore, and I have come to the awareness that what I want is probably located in my hometown, or the city across the river from my hometown. I say this because as I drove through the Wisconsin countryside last evening I took in what I did not know existed, or maybe I forgot existed, freedom from all others, space from the things that aren’t important. I found myself trying to find myself. I hadn’t seen it in awhile.
I went to the free-church dinner last night after meditating, hiding my I-pod as I walked inside, I took in the setting, the backdrop, and what the characters were wearing. This may sound astonishing but I really only go to church now for free food. I had dressed a bit colorful for the event since everyone else was wearing black, brown, or dark green. I went in, waited in line, and received a plate of good food. Quiche, about an inch thick, bogged down with vegetables and a bit of crust to top off this house of eggs and cheese. Beans of all different colors, not a rainbow, but a maroon and yellow tied-dyed shirt; big beans, small beans, and even corn, which is not a bean at all. I walked to the table I normally sit at, in the mid-back of the dining area. On the walk I took into account the enormous bowl of blackberries. The berries were lush with sunlight and sugar-water, harvested to full potential and plucked, only to sit out and be given away at the store or the farmer’s expense, to people at a free-church dinner. I felt eyes upon me, but I did not feel threatened. I have this idea that people sense positivity and become attracted to it, so being happy is something attractive. I smile, they (you) look and I win. Maybe we both win. I had taken my friend Dan’s advice to meditate and smile and it worked. I sat alone for about 5 minutes, as the line got longer, people were grabbing free food to take home on the side. As I ate a girl asked if she could sit with me. I said she could. I immediately started eating faster, for not particular reason, and tried my best to take in the food. I am not poor, or starving, I get free food at other places. I go to look at people. There are many people there with tattoos, body piercings, old raggedy clothes, and interesting auras. After I finished I walked up to get some blackberries and crème for desert this desert was amazing. I ate the berries and crème and told my table companion to have a good evening. I got up and left. As I started walking I got a text from a friend in Wisconsin.
I got home and took some time to look up the directions, then I got in my car and left. I am very much in need of more money, I am not broke, but I am not rich. I decided to fill up the gas tank. I pull into the gas station and I see a woman beggar asking for money. The strange thing to me about homeless people is that where there is a liquor store there is a homeless person. I figure if I were homeless I would put more thought into where I position myself vis-à-vis the surrounding area. I had to get out of that scene I got in my care and drove.
As I was driving I had the sun to my back and I was heading into the clouds. The sky was a bright blue and the clouds were fluffy white castles, they had no better description of size than: they were huge. I imagined I could see the very top of a set of clouds behind another wall of clouds that probably touched outer space. I assume not. I wondered what it looked like from above, I wondered if clouds on other planets were made of benign gasses and if clouds here were dangerous to aliens. I thought of some idea for my book about Teddy Graham and Rainbow. The sun to my back I drove. I saw a blond driving 85 in a 65 in a red car with a bike hanging off the back and I kept up with her for a bit. I saw a semi with a bright red Corvette hanging off the back as if it were performing a balancing feat. I ended up driving through a construction zone where every 25 ft I was yelling at the yellow pillars trying to swipe off my mirror, I realized that I had nothing to be upset about because nothing upsetting had happened. I had not shoulder because the cones were so far over the center of the road I had to live with it. I figure I made this stuff up in my head to feel better about being lazy, or wanting for something to talk about because of boredom. But the cones were that close and I had no money for new side-rearview mirrors, so I drove on. I saw a sign that said cave next right. I wanted to stop but it was past visiting hours. I imagined myself in the cave as it collapsed from a mega-earthquake, or a super-volcano. Some thing The Power Rangers could handle and the come rescue me from being trapped in a dark cave, stranded, looking, feeling for help. I kept driving. The whole drive I was texting with a friend from back-home some ideas I had about some jokes that were definitely mediocre. I asked a friend of mine, who is a dancer, if when the tornado came through her bar became topless? She told me that when the storm came through she put on “Rock you like a Hurricane” and danced while the patrons were stuck in the club. I thought her joke was funny. I thought what if all of my friends could be in one place would I miss the traveling that it takes to get there? Would I miss the single wind-turbine on the right side of the road perched on a hill as I drive deeper into Wisconsin? Would I think, wow, progression has made it to where right now? I didn’t really think that deep about it, I was still pondering the clouds, but I know it has. I noticed a Rough Road sign and thought about where I have come on this trip, say like 3/4ths of the way there. I am right here right now, and nowhere else. Now I go down the rocky, bumpy, shitty road. This is great, I hit bottom and I am almost there. When I roll into town I go to far and almost leave, I have missed my turn. I call my friend, she gives me the directions, I have been here before. Surprisingly, I realize this is the town where I first fell in love with someone who cared. I realize I am turning at the DQ where I bought a marshmallow-smore Blizzard and fell in love with a girl who taught me about the ways of Minneapolis and other hard life lessons. At the time I would not have thought much about the lessons, now I understand that they were very important. I get to my destination and the trip has just begun. We walk and talk and grab alcoholic beverages. We watch a movie and just as the liquor starts to hit the conversation goes back to the very place we are both from. We talk of self-sustainability, my job at the co-op, her family business, which is brilliantly lucrative for the people, the community, and the environment. I then found that it did not take a piece of paper to have a meaningful conversation. People have been changing the world for so long without the normative collegiate ideals that people in this country place on us. I felt one apart, or rather us-apart, from the ways of society. I understood that my hometown was the beacon of what I think is right in the world. Goods the earth produces, which we consume, have taken over my thoughts. We talked more. I finished a forty and two more beers. We watched most of Cry Baby. It is a pretty decent movie. I had an encounter that shook me. I found myself briefly thinking about the drove home at 6 because she had to work and then I thought back. I think meditation has saved my sanity and being spontaneous has saved me from the mundane. I no longer have to get stuck on thought. I got what I got and I got lost in the process only to be found sitting around pondering. Thanks for reading this Daniel, I know you read all the way through. Ha ha!