Gone (Now What?)

I lost my fedora last night.  I think I definitely made an ass of myself.  I found out, sort of, that my house-mates are not gay.  I think that people around me make a fuss when small things happen to them.  I think I don’t fuss enough.  Fuck.  

First of all, I just want to say I love you.  I can think of nothing else to say.  I really do love you.  I think about you constantly and I can’t get you out of my head.
When I see you I want to cry.  I have cried for you.  I wish I could see you again.  I see you in the backyard; the sun is hours from setting, but the angle is hitting your face in a way that I know you will never wake up.  This is a memory of you I will never shake.  I will never see you again.  I will see you tomorrow.
I wish I could have just one more talk with you.  I wanted to play cards with you the night before you left.  I wanted to hug you and talk to you about life.  I wanted to.
I woke up and there were no missed calls.  I woke up to a phone call about you.  You were not on the other line.  I woke up and there were 4 messages from different members of my family about you.  I cried.  I could not stop crying.  I went to you and told you that I wanted you back but I could not have you.  You hurt me.  You betrayed me.  I betrayed you.  I forgave you.  I don’t know how you feel about forgiving me.
I wanted to let you know that you were there for me.  I want you to know that you were not there for me.  I want you to know that I will do things that I see you do.  I want you to know I will never do some of the things you have done.  I have done things you never will do.  I think of you constantly.  I think of you more than sex, than money, than my own life.  I think you know this.  I don’t know where you are.  I know you can see me even though you have no eyes.  I know you can think of me even though you have no mind.  I know you can touch me, yet you have no body.
I trusted you.  I grew up with you.  I watched you.  I made mistakes and you corrected me.  You made mistakes and I didn’t say a word.  I am a friend.  I am a son.  I am a lover.  I am a fighter.  I am a victim.  I am a fool.
I got the call and I immediately called my manager.  I could not stop sobbing.  My roommate was gone at this point.  I don’t know what he would have thought of me in this condition.  No thought of a one night stand or of a sexual experience could help me out in this moment, I was living it.  I was raw with emotion and I could not leave.  My sister called me crying and I called my manager.  I choked out the words best I could.  I said I wouldn’t be in.  I had to drive down to La Crosse and go to the hospital.  I had to.  I was the only one who could comfort the best person I knew.
I sat, for the rest of the day and that night, by his beside.  My sister was sleeping on a couch next to me.  I slept in a chair.  I woke to the sound of weak breathing and machines that keep someone going.  I got up and held his hand for the last time.  I looked in his eyes and told him I loved him.  Then I left.
About an hour later I was in the shower at my mother’s house and I heard a knock on the door.  My mom told me he passed and I should go over and be there for my sister’s, grandmother, and father.  I thought.  I thought, man, he left.  I thought I don’t know what I thought.  I didn’t know what to do.  I still don’t.  This happened last summer, I think about it everyday.

About Terry Scott Niebeling

Hello, My name is Terry Scott, a human being with flaws. twitter: @sirterryscott Buy my ebooks: http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_1/191-4788099-1818040?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=terry+scott+niebeling
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