Letters to myself- P.

From: Penny

Subject:    Re: Hey, I thought I would let you know.

Date:    January 1, 2011 10:42:27 AM CST

To:    T. Scott

Of course I cried, you mean bastard.

I kinda feel like deep inside somewhere I am laughing too though, which is where the strength to respond to this comes from. I am so grateful that I didn’t read this until now. I saw it a few days ago and a voice was telling me not to open it until I was ready.

Yea, that’s why.

I’m about to catch the bus.

Call you.

And of course, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!  Hope the cities treat you better!

P.

On Thu, Dec 23, 2010 at 10:17 AM, T. Scott> wrote:

God, you f****** b****,

You are crazy and you do need help.  You act as though no one else in the world has problems and you have this “I am all alone in my sad problems” attitude.  Oh my roommates are mad at me.  Someone wants to f*ck me, I feel special.  I want to f*ck people too so don’t get it twisted- I am a 23-year-old-guy.  I just thought for as crazy as you are, and as much time you think about it you would get bored and want some ass eventually.  Anyway I don’t give a shit about that.  I want something better anyway; you make a way better friend than a fuck buddy or anything sexual-and that doesn’t say much.

Your insecurities and steady finger, which you constantly point in my direction, makes you an unstable and hypocritical person.  You need to take more time to enjoy what’s around you:  Your friends, your roommates, your family, your job, your ideas, and lastly your f*cking all time consuming education with which you will do whatever, probably nothing with because you honestly can’t go straight for five minutes.

I hope that everyone you meet treats you like an innocent child in a bad situation that just needs to be coddled because after the shine wears off I am sure they realize that they should have left you, as I haven’t.

Penny, you are one of a kind, virtually insane, everywhere and nowhere; your education and the weight that you carry on your shoulders makes you as friendly as a rabid dog, at times, and as attractive as one as well.  I honestly talk to you because you are a good person, but you act as though you are too busy to talk or spend two seconds caring about anyone but yourself.  If you really think those things about me then don’t talk to me.

This time I did take the time to read your message, as I do every time because I care about you as a person, but I wish you could have told me in person because I would have loved for you to see the smile on my face.  Seeing as how you are like this at least half of the time I am really okay with it because, yah know, I deal with almost crazier people than you.

You truly shine through though, you go from one thing to another, you do change like the Minnesota weather and you have a constant disdain for anything fun, time consuming, and adventurous.  You should spend the rest of your life doing shit you hate, so you can do more shit you hate, for no reason so you can be miserable trying to impress your father, your mother, your sister, and your brother.

That doesn’t really impress me, what impresses me is that you have everything you need and you take it all for granted.

I appreciate your friendship, but your ideas are fucked.  You insult like a child and your attacks on this person, as coming from you with your college education, are meager.  I don’t want to f*ck you, so don’t flatter yourself.  Humans have needs and I am a human; however, the need for conversation with an intelligent person and receiving insults is kind of the opposite of what I expected, but it’s from you so I get it.  I wish I could see you so I could hold you and make you feel special.

Penny, you are one of a kind.  The things we did were fun, but you can’t handle anything because of the enormous weight it bears on your shoulders.  You are 23, right?  Be realistic, life is short appreciate it for what it is.

I am Terry.  I know you.  You are beautiful when you let yourself be.  You are smart and amazing and you don’t need to prove anything to anyone.  Don’t cry.  I miss you.  I just think you are crazy and you need to let it go.

Your, sort of I guess whatever you want to call it, friend Terry, get that shit straight.

P.S.  I hope you have a fun Christmas I have been having a really hard time in the cities and I just thought you were friend enough to talk or hang out.  Sorry if you took my compliments as uninvited attempts to f*ck you.  I hope you have a wonderful time over the holidays and I really hope you think about this more than the seconds you spending trying to read between the lines of everything everyone said to you.  Other individual’s motives may be just as confusing as your own.  Assuming anything is a set up for failure.  Take it as it is.  Seriously, you amaze me with your self-doubt; you are your biggest critic.  Goddamn.  Have a wonderful day and go f*ck yourself.

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About Terry Scott Niebeling

Hello, My name is Terry Scott, a human being with flaws. twitter: @sirterryscott Buy my ebooks: http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_1/191-4788099-1818040?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=terry+scott+niebeling
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