What I didn’t tell you about LA.
My trip to LA was amazing. My time in LA was insane. The moment we got into town, I had to piss horribly. The roads were congested and the lights were bright, as people created shadows as they walked the sidewalks. The sun was not quite down, so we could see the sunset on the beach from the bar patio as we drank, when it happened. I had to piss.
We decided to meet up with Toni at a bar so we parked in this shit-hole parking spot, near a sketchy alley and the beach, this was about a mile away from any safe place to relieve myself. Toni lives in LA so he should know where to go we assume. I had to piss badly so we walked there through trash bins and concrete confines as fast as we could. When I say we I mean myself, sometimes with others. I waited about twenty minutes in line to use the restroom. I thought I was going to lose it for sure. I held in there and made it. This was stressful, but the 5 gallons of Margarita after the bathroom visit helped me relax. The air was hot and the sun was beating down on us, I was redder than I normally am, you know, being from Minnesota and its March and 70 degrees out in CA one will catch a tan.
One thing people forget to tell you about LA, or emphasize on at some point when they talk about LA, is: driving in LA is nerve racking and the hotels are basically backdrops for CSI or really smutty porn movies. We checked out a hotel that I swear to god looked like a hotel room from the set of Blow or No Country For Old Men; I was surprised not to find bullet-ridden bodies, when I used the bathroom I tore open the shower curtain and found nothing. The mirror’s reflection showed me standing in front of it and behind me was a wall of pale white, holes all over, and blotches of grey where paint covered graffiti. We left this place immediately because Blex was sketched out about the dude living next door with a million animals. This guy had probably 10 cages in his window alone, 4 birds plus to a cage, and someone was holding a parrot. He could have been a pirate, so we left.
At this time in the trip we thought Aaron was going to die, because in Santa Barbara he drank more beer that most should drink and lived to tell about it. I got into a fistfight with Blex the night before and sang Karaoke like a god, so needless to say I wanted to see LA. We needed a place to stay and I was going to get it no matter what. I needed a room and I needed to get some nightlife in LA. I think the place we stayed at was called the Seaport Motel, I don’t quite remember. I got the place, it was $85 and it had two beds.
We all sat in the room, there were 5, or 6 of us, and Toni. The boys were ready to go out and slay the town. I reminded them of the curse that we have every trip we go on, the curse, you know, the one where no one gets laid ever. I said represent Minneapolis and was ridiculed to the point of where I didn’t want to go out at all. Toni put it on me like he didn’t represent anything especially LA, even though he lived there. I sat on the bed in poor lighting-looked at the boys-and drank my PBR. I was castigated and I told everyone we were going to fail that night. Nothing would happen. We would never break the curse. I was wrong.
First, we walked around Malibu for about an hour because we didn’t know which bar to go to. After I got the brains enough to ask a liquor store lady where the Basement Bar was, apparently, this was the place where it was happening, we found the place. The lady told me that it was about a block back down in this fancy house. We walked back and found it.
Second, we found the place. This bar was downstairs and packed with California blonds. It was ridiculous. We all sat in a corner of the bar and cried to each other because of the curse. Sunday told me that a girl was staring at me. I was upset at everyone so I grew some balls and went up to the bar. I looked over and she was staring at me. This girl was oriental and beautiful. She had long dark hair and she was wearing a mini skirt with some sort of dark bluish green tank top. She was beautiful and looked bored, like she wanted a drink. I was depressed, tired, and irritated, so I asked her if she would like a drink. My boys were watching. I thought she would have a drink and leave, or not have one at all and walk away. The opposite happened; I opened my mouth and started talking and smiling, she was into this apparently. She mentioned she was from Boston and her name was Lish, or Delish if it came to that later. Aaron was staring at me from behind this girl, he was in disbelief, I was in disbelief too, I couldn’t’ believe she was interested. I looked like shit and I was so tired I could have passed out on the bar.
Third, I started talking about the most boring topics ever: high blood pressure and nutrition, also how I am a writer. She seemed interested. She took the conversation in a different direction telling to me how she hated people, this conversation eventually lead us into talking about the Holocaust. Hmm. Sort of the conversation I would avoid, but I was tired and didn’t say much other than what I had to, to not fall asleep. I was kind of amazed and shocked, she would not stop laughing at my horrible jokes and she thought my knowledge of heart disease was extensive. The next thing I know she asks me if I wanted to sit down and talk with her. I found myself on a leather couch across the room from my friends necking with this girl. Five minutes later she asks if I want to go somewhere more private. I say the beach and she shook her head as to say no, she said it was too cold and there was sand on the beach. I tell her I have the worst motel room in the world to go to and she agrees this is better than the beach. I tell her I am not a serial killer. I grab the room key from my friends with the biggest smile and this girl waiting for me in the corner. Sorry guys I broke the curse thanks to the Holocaust and high blood pressure.
Just as I grab this girl and run up the stairs last call is announced, the lights flick on and off, I am either fucked or not fucked. I know my friends are going to run home to the motel and ruin this for me. I start walking with her.
When we get to the street she pulls me to a cab, and I tell her I hope she likes sketchy motels, she is down for whatever she acknowledges with a wink and a smile. She seemed hot and bothered. I tell the taxi driver to get us there and as we are pulling out her sister runs to the window. Her sister is with her boyfriend and she looks at me and says, “She better make it home safe”. Lish tells her sister to go home and not worry about her. I say everything is fine and I will drive her home later as we are both only one drink in, and basically completely sober.
We get to the motel in great time. I open the door and she goes in the bathroom. I pace the room for a minute and she comes out in a teal bra and matching panties, nothing more. I have never seen anything like this before. Um, she, to me is a model, or a stripper, or both. I don’t care. Her hair was covering some of her bra, her skin was bronze, she obviously tanned, and she was smiling. Her face was perfectly symmetrical in the light and her smile was brighter against the shadows on her face. The bra came off and the sheets were thrown about.
It was safe and super fast, which was funny. We both laughed. Both beds were used, the floor, and the dresser, the room, for how much of a hole it was had amazing mirrors and nice towels. It was over fast because the boys were coming to ruin my magic. I was one step ahead of them. She looked into my eyes and said thanks and kissed me. I said don’t mention it. I got up went to my bag and grabbed a wad of twenties from my backpack, I ask her how much and she laughed as I threw the cash in the air and onto the bed. I half expected her to take the money. I grabbed two smokes and we went out in front to smoke. Just as we were talking, about halfway through the cigarettes, 5 or 6 losers, my friends, walk up looking down at the ground, pissed cause of what happened. They thought I went back to the room alone to jerk it. Lish and I wave to them they wave back, walk right past us and go in the room. I tell Lish that I should go inside and she says to call her anytime I am in Boston. Her sister picks her up and they both say it was nice to have met you.
The guys don’t believe me. I am crazy, apparently. They don’t know how I did it. They ask where it happened at in the room I said it was ubiquitous. Toni said he had never seen anything like that before. I said me too. I guess. We went to Denny’s had breakfast at 3 am and talked the night away. LA was interesting.