Rules for the Elitist Shopper-

Rules of shopping at a Co-op, from a retail sales specialist:

1.)  Everyone goes to shopping for one reason and that’s to get food, so first and foremost figure out what you want to buy before you get in the store.  Don’t come up to the counter looking confused as to why you are there and have me sit there for 10 minutes as you are struggling to figure out what you want.  I have other customers that have huge orders ready to go, in their head, hurry the fuck up.  No one likes waiting especially while shopping.  I don’t want the guy behind you to kill you for taking too long because he is hungry and you are slow and dumb.  Also, I don’t want to have to get a wet floor sign and clean up your bleeding corpse from in front of my counter space.  Something people might not know about me is that I am not a counselor.   I am a meat counter salesman; if I were a counselor I would not be working weekend evening shifts and getting bitched at by my boss for not working hard enough.  I would be charging you a hell of a lot more for my services, which I should do, so don’t ask me what you should get because maybe I think you should get a punch in your face at no charge for being unprepared.  What answer do you give someone who has been sitting around all weekend drinking and comes into a store and asks a question that is obviously based on personal preference?  Sorry, I don’t know you?  Fuck off? -You might be allergic to something, if so, what is that, so I can give it to you so you die and refrain from bothering me with horrible questions.  No.  None of these are the right answer.  Just saying, be prepared and don’t stall me.  I am keeping up my flow.  Your only goal while you are at the grocery store should be to get in and get out.  There should be no hang-ups.  This is kind of like my sex life, but I would prefer to call it a smash and grab, cause I ain’t paying for that ish.  Whatever works, figure it out.  I am here for 8 hours and I have a lot of answers, but not the one you want.

2.)  If you are a girl and come into the store and happen to catch me sneaking a peek don’t be upset.  I am working hard and this is encouraging, so know that.  Besides, you dressed yourself and I am guessing you looked in the mirror, probably 100 times, before you left so you know what you are wearing.  I hardly ever go out wearing a clown suit and expect people to take me seriously, so assume if you wear a mini-skirt and a tube top without a bra (…and you are cuttin’ diamonds) to the store don’t expect people to look at you as if you are a nun.  That’s just ridiculous, oh and if you are out wearing something sexy just go with it.  Go big or go home as I say.  Let it all hang out, who cares?  Its 2011, we are all adults and everyone has seen someone naked, I hope.  Its classy and cool to show a little, and it is really classy and really cool to show a lot.  On that, if you are wearing a mini-skirt try not to wear those trendy bike shorts underneath, that’s false advertising and really pisses people off.  I pray for hours, on the job, for a girl in a skirt to bend down as to reveal something beautiful, maybe some flesh, and when one finally does, and I see bike short material covering everything up I fall apart.  Goddammnit!  When this happens, I want to walk into the cooler and hang myself with butcher’s twine.  This atrocious act is happening more and more in Uptown.  Ladies, stop doing this.  What happened to your free spirit?  Fuck, if the shoe fits wear it.  You smoke American Spirits, right?  Live it up.  Stop being oppressed by trendy clichés and be yourself.

3.)  This one goes along with the last rule; girls if you come to the store dressed all sexy don’t bring your douchebag boyfriend.  No one wants to see you making out and holding hands while you wait for your organic burrito to be made at the deli.  I am single and I hardly get laid, so when I see this it reinforces that I am a pathetic loser.  The worst place to work if you are single is a grocery store.  Seeing couples is like seeing a kitten getting ran over in slow-motion.  Sometimes you see the most retarded shit, but other times you see stuff that brings a pain to your heart lonely heart.  You wouldn’t want me to come into your place of business and lay one of my ex-gfs over your desk or the office printer, cause I would, and show her a good time while struggle at your desk now would you?  No.  So stop it, leave the sales floor and get a room.  Question: how does a bro-guy get with a beautiful hipster girl?  I have no clue, maybe his daddy’s credit card, maybe his free time attributed to lack of a weekend job?  If I had all weekend off I would probably be at the beach, or poolside trying to get some action from a girl and/or drinking heavily.  The last place I would be would be confined inside of a grocery store buying wears that are necessities and kissing my gf.  I would never been at the grocery store.  Listen, you are not a celebrity, no one gives a shit if you are bored and have no other place to express your romantic interest in your partner.  If you wouldn’t do it in church, besides most of rule 2, don’t do it at the grocery store.  Get out of the store.  It makes no sense.  Girls, come alone to the store, its definitely safe and you will get way better service.  Also, I don’t want to lock eyes with some beefed up frat guy cause I am in a mid-stare session with his girl and he is jealous cause he has a small cock and no job.    I don’t play that shit, sorry.

4.)  Another thing to remember when you are shopping is never mention how nice it is outside to a store employee.  I highly doubt you are a meteorologist so don’t act like one.  This will help you not get tackled by an employee who jumps the counter in rage.  The co-op is not your theater to perform on, do not practice your art here.  Know your roll.  If you were in a wheelchair you would not want me to come up and tell you how good it felt to walk around, so when I am stuck at my job inside from 1-9 on the weekends I don’t want to hear how nice it is outside.

***If it is raining and I am at work then fine, tell me how crappy it is outside and how lucky I am to be in at work.  I also hope for thunderstorms with a slight chance of tornados every weekend just so everyone’s cook out is canceled.  I wouldn’t want to miss a good time.

Sometimes I feel I am being cheated working every weekend of my twenties and going to school all week, but sometimes I feel I am doing better than the people who have off and are stumbling around the store.  I enjoy some of the stuff I see at work.  Yet, sometimes I wish I had no job and that I lived off the government cause the co-op I work for accepts EBT, and I got student loans, so I would still shop there.

I think a lot of people take it for granted when they go in and go shopping.  They don’t realize the pain that the person behind the counter or at the cash register has locked inside.  For one moment I wish the customer could see how hard they make the day at times.  Albeit, I don’t work at a Rainbow or a Cub anymore, but Jesus its hard people-this job can be taxing.  If you are in the store just follow these few simple rules and we should be all set.

I hope you have a wonderful shopping experience.


About Terry Scott Niebeling

Hello, My name is Terry Scott, a human being with flaws. twitter: @sirterryscott Buy my ebooks:
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3 Responses to Rules for the Elitist Shopper-

  1. danthedan says:

    especially if you are being checked out don’t be all uppity. you are being looked at. not hollered at. Thanks for that clarification T.

    good lookin

  2. Laura says:

    Sounds like you had a rough day at work. Hot babes tempting you, great weather tempting you…. When you have days like the one described above, you should try to think about what life may be like without a job… No money to take out the cute girl who doesn’t wear anything under her skirt, no money to buy brats to grill on a sunny day, and you certainly would feel like a bigger loser if you were collecting unemployment/gov. aid versus working at a grocery store…. when my old roommate collected unemployment he was super depressed. I must admit, I didn’t like this post very much. I think you are better than this… Be thankful for what you have, and stop being a whiney little Nancy!! Life could be much worse!!

  3. motion0aware says:

    ahahhhaaaa I agree with Laura. You whiny little Nancy indeed.

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