I found myself at the Kitty Kat Club meaninglessly staring into a friend’s eyes. I could’ve cared less. I had been tired. We both wore the eyes you get when you are focusing on everything and nothing all at once. Your life depends on it, but your body can almost not lift a finger to change anything. You stare at the screen, the lights warm your eyes.
This is where I think of Bukowski. I think of how he said-well his tombstone reads, “Don’t Try”.
I try to think. Before this moment I never tried and I made it this far. Now I’m trying, maybe I need to go back to my old ways. I’m trying for grades, trying to read, concerned. I think. For what am I concerned? I will wake up in the morning. I will get out of bed. If you live in fear your whole life, what’s to live for?
My eyes reflect what I’ve been doing. Red lines chart the streets I’ve travelled, they are etched on the dry whites of my ever blank stare. They know what I’ve seen. I abuse alarm clocks and boil water in the twilight hours of the morning.
I down energy drinks. I eat sparsely. As they say, stay hungry. Sometimes I smoke a few cigarettes here and there. Coffee stains grace my teeth, you can see it when I seldom smile. I dropped abdominal workouts for reading Deutsch and Mathematical Equations, now I pull out my hair for muscle sculpting, let’s call it aerobics. I wait for the heat to leave.
The eyes across from me look back from across the street into my eyes. I feel like a prized fighter. I never fight, well not anymore. My eyes hurt, the skin around them feels sunken in. I know they look no different. These eyes you get from study, from hours of absorbing information and not really caring. The eyes across from me register all of this, and we both smile. Cheers. Each lifting a beverage to acknowledge our accomplishments, our adverse ideas about the government, and thoughts on the American Dream.
We sit drinking at the bar patio as our tattoos fad. Christmas lights are strung above. Nameless and faceless others walk about and around us unnoticed. I think it’s time I’ll try to close my eyes for a moment.