By Terry Scott Niebeling
Well firstly, we need to stop racial profiling on campus. I am just as dangerous as anyone else from any other race, fact, and I am Caucasian. The school has asked us, basically, to come forth as a more diverse group of criminals on campus. That means we all need to lace up our boots and get out our replica guns polished for appearance. We need to take part. Racial profiling sets us back hundreds of years-just as much as sexual profiling, and malapropisms, and we must move forward as a group.
I have thought about purchasing a deceptively realistic looking water pistol and walking about-strolling campus, for innocent victims. I mean I need money too (even though I am rich with student loans)! You know the type, the people that just look like they have a big target on their back and an ipad in their bag-and severely out of place. The easy type that won’t put up a fight; they look confused, out of their element, weak, and definitely afraid from all of the news letters from the school. This makes the job of diversifying the criminal population of campus incredibly attainable, and profitable at that. Yes! I have thought about it, starting a rally, but I’ve been to lazy reading required course materials and thinking about the next big Gopher game.
I need help from everyone though. I can’t do this on my own. I mean, I am mostly white, but half Native American (on my step-father’s side), and a portion Redneck on my mother’s father’s side. So let’s band together, everyone. Also let’s have sexual equality as well. Just because I am a guy does not mean I am a criminal. Girls can be criminals too! We need more women thieves on campus. This will help stop one of the two biggest problems on campus now: racial profiling, malapropisms, and sexual profiling. Seriously, we are all entering adulthood now. This should have been a 3rd grade thing.
Secondly, on to the big picture now… If you don’t want to get robbed-and I am assuming you don’t, just make sure you know what you are doing. Don’t carry a million dollars in your briefcase when you are stumbling home from a sweet party on Frat Row. Someone wouldn’t understand this concept if A.) They had applesauce for brains, or B.) They have not yet seen No Country for Old Men. Avoid dark and dangerous streets (Dinkytown et al.), you know, the ones without streetlights and such, lacking cars, and completely vacant of people. It’s easy. All you have to do is open your eyes, and sort of process vague, yet unmistakable imagery into your brain. Boom! And you are safe, and so is the ipad your mommy and daddy bought you.
Another thing to do to lower the chances of being robbed on campus is to confront the thief apparent. Ask the person real questions like, “Why are you doing this?” , or “Did you know I am as broke as you are?” , “Do you know who my parents are?” , and “What is your favorite color?” These questions will confuse and subdue the criminal mind. You will be walking away with your belongings in no time. All while the criminal thinks of a great answer. An even better question would be, “would you like to see the contents of my bag? “ “-For free, no assaults required…” -maybe open your bag and show the criminal that there isn’t much in there to steal except maybe your dwindling self-pride and ego.
I mean the people who ask really good questions get ahead in life, fact. This is the best time to bust out a good question. I can almost guarantee this will stop an assault, and quite possibly a robbery involving your person and possessions. If the criminal knows that you only carry old shoes, dirty pennies, thumbtacks, bad poetry, and aspirins in your bag, they may realize that it isn’t worth the risk, but don’t take my word on it. Try that shoe on for yourself.
Another thing we need to stop doing is we need to stop Fox Newsing the scare factor to Level Red and beyond.
When I first moved up to Minneapolis I lived near the “Profile Center”, as it’s called, (a bar where everyone hated everyone else) over on 27th and Delaware. I know now that this area is moderately dangerous; however, the whole time I lived there I hadn’t the slightest clue of how dangerous it really was. I felt safe the whole time living in this area. Want to know why? Because I was completely ignorant to the fact that it was dangerous, which made me feel safer, which also helped me walk with more courage. This helped me to not get robbed. I wasn’t walking around pissing my pants every time I saw someone who looked anything like the described suspects. And here’s why, because there were no described suspects. We didn’t get fancy warning letters we just moved on. Life was so simple.
Safety Alert: I had a shitty morning yesterday. Remember that fact today as to avoid a shitty rest of your day. Good luck.
The above sounds counterintuitive. Who does this?
Let me tell you, one of the first times I witnessed a shooting I was playing Halo One with my bros on a Friday night. I thought it was my pistol that had fired a few extra rounds while playing Capture the Flag at Blood Gulch. WRONG. That gunshot sound was coming from the front lawn. It rang out maybe nine or ten times, and then an hour or so later the cops came. Someone had been shot multiple times in the neck in our front yard. Blood was everywhere-all over our steps, all over the garden, all over the grass (WTF!!!). In the meantime that person lay on the sidewalk dying. Not sure if they made it or not, but what I came away with was the courage to realize that shit happens and we don’t need to talk about it, or make people crap their pants about it. We just need to understand that things happened. The University of Minnesota Safety Board should just say “Shit Happens” and “Get Over It”.
The important thing that happened after the shooting, after all the cops, after all the lights and sirens, and such, was nothing. Nothing happened at all. The danger was still there, but it always was, and it never bothered me unless I let it. Nothing changed. There was no email from the neighborhood watch group or conference at any state level office. No one sent me a notice about anything that happened, I don’t even know if the guy died or not, but I feel better not knowing. The reason why is because if I know, or if I don’t, it won’t change anything. Because if I know the details it isn’t going to help me anyway, and/or if I don’t know the details then I can imagine that it didn’t happened. Fuck, I did lose that game of Capture the Flag though, and my friends won’t let me forget that, fact.
The University of Minnesota needs to just forget about these crimes, and then everyone else will. DUH! I mean, that is, unless they want to actually do something about it. Letting a man walk off campus with a gun is not solving a crime, and that is not making the campus any safer. I think they are just Safety Alert happy. I mean that dude needs a job too, a legal one.
Another step towards prevention is to walk hard. Appear as if you don’t give a fuck. Act like this will be the worst, and last, mistake of the criminal’s life if he/she touches you.
Forget being nice. You aren’t at school to make friends, fans, or fucks, you are at school to make grades, so act like it. Walk like you have a bazooka hanging from the side of your trousers. Think like a fucking marine goddammit! I think what would James Bond do in this situation? I think what would Chuck Norris do in this situation? They would do something atypical. They wouldn’t just lie down and get rob-fucked in the snow. They would throw some punches, maybe an explosive pen, or even a roundhouse to the face. This is atypical.
Fact: typical people get robbed. The typical Minnesotan is nice, you know, ya sure youbetchya-spouting off. If you walk like you are coming from a bullet riddled crack house in the Bronx no one will fuck with you. You will not get robbed, people will step aside. Let’s face it, from the crime reports, most of the criminals are coming from out of state i.e. Chicago, Texas, and Kansas. No New Yorker would move from the Big Apple to the Midwest, fact. So we can assume they are out. They seem like the worst, the New Yorkers. Who are people from Chicago, Texas, and Kansas afraid of? New Yorkers, duh! Act like you are from New York, like you bleed red, white, and smoking blue Twin Towers. No one will fuck with you.
Also, don’t give your shit up so easily, make it hard for the criminal. If their job is easy they will continue to enjoy it, and continue to perpetrate on and around campus. Make this person’s job difficult. There is ice on the ground, kick out their feet, get on top of him and let go. Be creative! Who knows, maybe you can rob them in the process, how ironic. Act tough, look intimidating, and no one will mess with you. Let’s set an example. I mean let’s break this Minnesotans are pushovers stereotype. Be dangerous, be human animal.
Last but not least, what an ex GF taught me, is people want what they can’t have. So basically, be everything that the criminal can have. Be open, be honest, and be truthful to them, be theirs, and then make your own rules. Ask yourself, do I want to get robbed right now? Do I want to feel safe where I live? Do I want to be taken seriously? Do I have time for this? Come up with an act depending on how much these things matter to you. And then trick them. If someone stops you on the street maybe you should push past and not interact. Do the opposite of what they would expect. If someone asks for your belongings maybe respond with a simple NO, or hand them over and call the cops, or start screaming bloody murder in public. Crazy scares even criminals. Show them that you aren’t worth their time and maybe they won’t give you any.
I don’t know. I am sick of getting notifications about safety on campus day after day. I am concerned with finals, papers, and writing on the side. I think we are all resourceful and intelligent enough to avoid being targets for criminals. University of Minnesota students should not be soft, easy, or pushovers. They should stand their ground and command control over their possessions and person. If the police won’t do it for them, they should do it for themselves. A psychology teacher once told me: No one makes you, you make yourself. Stay away from danger, be smart, and carry less expensive materialistic crap with you. I think it’s time for everyone to use their brains and come out ahead.
Also, as a small caveat, I think the Minneapolis Police Department should have an undercover cop, or two, walk the streets in high risk areas (and publish this fact) to promote safety. I read about it in the papers maybe those criminals will do the same, but I doubt they read.
*disclaimer: I do not promote violence, or taking matters into ones’ own hands in a high-risk situation. That is a personal judgment call. If you don’t believe in satire, or you lack a sense of humor, you will get nothing out of this.
** I had friends offer better ideas: Conceal and Carry, drop out of the U completely, and stop giving a shit.
(Find me @sirterryscott on Twitter)